dahlia's journal

well hello there! it's been a bit since my last entry as i've been settling into a new routine without the constant stress of school looming over me. i've filed my part of the medical withdrawal, and now i'm just waiting for my psychiatrist to send hers! i'm still pretty stressed about the whole thing, but as the days go by, i find myself calming down a bit (also... i got my anxiety med dosage increased lol). i will say, i just don't know what to do with myself when i'm not in school. i binged video games after work for like what? 4 days? and yesterday i was already kind of going manic cuz i felt like i had to leave the house asap lol. its okay, rest is the most important priority right now anyway.

i've been working on new graphics for anyone browsing my site, mostly just nintendo stuff :D i really wanna make more now, which is crazy cuz i thought i wouldnt have any inspiration for graphics lol. it all started because i was making my video game pages and realized everything looked messy, so i decided to make it more cohesive by just drawing it myself lmao. i feel like, eventually, i'll have my website only done with my own art. but i'm only a month into this journey and i have plenty of time to improve it.

oh yeah, i recently found out i can connect my pro controller to my ipad so i've been playing genshin, infinity nikki, and tribe nine! the only reason i didnt like playing those games on mobile is because i didnt want to block most of my screen with my fat fingers lol but since i can just use a controller, i'm ready for the grinddd!

i think thats it for now. its a short and simple entry but i wanted to write something positive to counteract my other entries lmfao. anyway, ill be seeing yall!

mood: a bit tired, but inspired

i've taken the last few days off coding and honestly, just about everything. guys, i'm going THROUGH IT rn. honestly, because i want my thoughts on this written down for future me, i'm gonna explain everything in detail, although i've been kinda hinting at it the last 2 entries.

how it started
okay, so i finished my associates degree in a community college 2 years ago. i then transferred to my local university. i didnt really think much about it tbh. it was the closest public university near me, so it felt natural to go there. i really quickly realized that, even though this school is one of the largest schools in the united states, my university was not thoughtful of people like me who have to work full-time jobs and pay bills. it is ridiculously hard to find classes that work with my schedule, and online classes literally don't exist, at least for the biology program.

the first year i started attending this university, i started to see a psychiatrist due to increased issues with my mental health. i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and began taking mediciation for it. the medication helped, but as my anxiety and constant panic settled down, it left room for my ADHD symptoms to take over. and damn, they did. it took a few months to figure out exactly what was "wrong" with me, but i ended up getting diagnosed with ADHD the spring of my second year at the university.

one look at my transcripts shows you that my grades have gradually gotten worse ever since that spring semester. i started taking medication for my ADHD, and if you've ever taken medication for mental health, you know it takes a couple weeks for it to really start working. the side effects of the medication + the continuous need to increase my dosage as we looked for a proper level for me led to me being unable to focus well. but for the last year, i have been able to kind of push through the lack of focus and get C's.

this semester
this semester has started off AWFULLY. its like everything is finally crashing down after trying to cope for a full year. i can't focus AT ALL. like, AT ALL. on top of that, i've gotten 2 different sicknesses already, not counting the constant sick i feel because of pollen season. so i fell really behind as i tried to recover my energy. i had to schedule 2 makeup exams. when i finally felt better and was able to study a bit for the exams, i could barely stay focused long enough to get any real studying done. but i tried, and then i took the exams and... completely bombed them. i had 3 exams to take that week, and i failed every single one of them. it was a shock to me, because i did try to study and i don't get test anxiety normally.

i remember clearly during the last few weeks that i kept telling my girlfriend that i felt dumb because nothing was going in my brain. i felt like i couldnt understand anything at all. that was last week.

petitioning for a medical withdrawal
i found out about medical withdrawals last semester. after looking through the requirements, i thought maybe i could attempt to medically withdraw from the semester and take the year off from school as i work through both my mental and physical health. so i'm in the process of doing that, but i'm nervous. usually, medical withdrawals come from a NEW illness that arised during the season. obviously, i've been dealing with my mental health for a year now. but it also states that a new symptom could also qualify and, for me, all the symptoms i've been experiencing have really arised this semester, and in full strength too. i'm hoping i get approved even though it was a pre-existing condition, and i'm getting my psychiatrist to sign the form too since i've been working with her for 2 years now.

i'm hopeful it will get approved, but i'm also trying to think about my options if it doesnt. if i'm being real, i was able to withdraw from 3 classes already but i hit my withdrawal limits so i can't withdraw from my last 2 classes(well, one is an internship). so honestly i only have ecology and my internship to deal with now, but my ecology is literally an F and i don't think i can bring it up to a passing grade. plus, i'm behind like a week of content now as i've been dealing with this whole thing. and i don't have the focus to attempt that anyway, so... what do i do? do i just fail out? the plan was, if i get medically withdrawn, i'm not going back to that school. we're planning on moving across the country in 2027 anyway, so i'm heavily leaning towards finishing my bachelors and starting my masters once i've moved. i'm gonna switch majors too, because one thing i've realized from this whole thing is that environmental science is a whole lot easier and most jobs don't care if you have a biology or environmental science degree. plus, the master's major is what really matters.

i'm also trying to figure out if i HAVE to give the new university i end up at my university transcript, or if i can just use the transcript from my community college where i got my associates degree since i'm starting my bachelor's over again anyway. is that legal tho, LMAO. i have no clue. i got some time to figure out what i'ma do but i'm anxious AS HELL lately because i'm still mid semester. do i just stop attending class? its not like i have been attending much anyway, ever since i got my bad sickness the last week of january. as for my internship, i'm not sure what to do. i'm really behind on hours because of my january sicknesses. this is my second semester doing the internship, and i'm not doing it for any credits this time around as i only needed 3 credits for my degree. i just kinda continued for fun, but now i'm not sure if i should message my coordinator about leaving the internship early. it really really sucks, because i don't want to burn any bridges even though i'm not gonna be in the state for long anyway. i really love my team, the organization, everything. i guess i'll just try to be completely honest with her and see what happens.

thoughts as of right now
i'm not sure whats gonna happen now. i'm disappointed in myself for not recognzing my struggle until it was a bit too late. if i just realized this during winter break, i couldve just not signed up for spring and i wouldn't be dealing with this now. i feel so out of it. this isn't me. having to drop classes, having to take a year off, failing, etc. i'm usually so much more focused and motivated than this, but now i feel so lost. honestly, my main concern right now is that i hope i can still get into a school if i end up having to fail out of ecology. man and this is mostly just talking about my mental health. physically i feel like shit right now! i'm exhausted from sleep deprivation, and the allergies are insane right now. i spent a whole hour just itching and icing my face last night.

anyway, i'm done ranting now. this journal was meant for more than just venting but lately, thats what i've been needing so. hopefully things get better soon, but i'm just stuck in an anxious loop for now as this whole thing gets figured out. wish me luck fr fr D:

i dropped 2 classes yesterday: chem 2 and chem 2 lab. it really sucks because i know this is going to add more time on my degree and thats the last thing i wanted, but if i'm being so real right now... i need it. my ADHD has taken over at this point, and that combined with intense sleep deprivation has really made my brain fuzzy this last year. like yes, the content is obviously getting harder as i navigate 4000 level courses but i geniunely think that if my sleep schedule was normal and my ADHD was in check, i'd be able to get through with a decent grade. for reference, my full time job starts at 4:45am, but i live a bit far so i wake up around 3:30am. almost every day. and i sleep at usually 11pm... so on average i get about 4 hours a night and doing that for YEARS is becoming incredibly unsustainable lmao. but its hard, i feel so pressured to do so many things in 1 day that i end up sleeping late at an attempt to get some hobbies done at night. the only reason i'm able to code a lot on this website is because i work an office job and find time to code on the side there. once i'm out of work, all my energy goes to school and hopefully i get at least 30 to an hour a night to game.

this whole thing has me questioning what to do about this year. like, the gameplan is to move to seattle after i get my degree, but part of me is wondering if i should take this year off, make money for the move, move, and then start again in seattle. but idk, its more complicated than that and idk. i'm just really lost right now and i don't know whats the right and healthy choice for me. i'm just really tired and overworked tbh, i don't even have days off unless i skip school or work, which is obviously bad and hard to do anyway.

i guess i'll keep thinking about it, but in the meantime, i have 2 less classes to worry about. now i can focus fully on just physics and ecology and my internship. i'm on ADHD meds but they're not stimulants, as i was wary about starting a medication like that but.. idk, do i need it? i hope not. i already take so many meds for my other mental health issues plus my chronic illness. D:

mood: still tired, still stressed